borderline

*you walk into a vacant space. The room may be empty of people and most other things, but there is cake and balloons scattered about. It looks like a holiday of some sort. You sit down and start to eat the cake…with your hands, because screw the rules.*

hOI!

So! Hi!

Right now i’m living, but i’m in this super weird state of mind. I wasn’t happy yesterday per usual, and i’m still messed up from ‘somewhere’, but at least i’m alive, you know?

I don’t know if this is just me and only I am the recipient of this odd feeling, but have you ever felt kind of numb? Have you ever felt on the borderline between emotions? I don’t know how I ought to explain this to you all, but i’m going to try. It’s kind of like a limbo in between feelings-where you for the most part don’t feel anything at all. Emphasize the ‘for the most part’, though. It’s really weird, so maybe post if you’ve ever felt this so I don’t feel so weird about this…haha. Oh, and if you’re a klutz, feel free to comment below so we can share stories of embarrassing falls.

Anyway, that’s not my point.

It feels like a void-nothing, numbness, but there’s just a little bit of something there. To envision it, it looks like faint rays of sunlight shining through a dark room.

Oh well. It’ll pass eventually, and I can’t wait for that time.

—-

On a different note, I’m getting emotional listening to Heart Hope by Oh Wonder. I love that group now, which is funny because I didn’t even know who they were a week ago. How I found about them was that I had a Dodie Clark playlist open, and she had covered Oh Wonder’s song, Drive. When it got to that cover, I was about to go and switch it off to another one of her songs, but I stopped and listened. Had I not done that and searched the original and started looking through what the band had posted, I wouldn’t have even found out about them. It’s funny how life happens sometimes.

I’m done.

Even when it gets hard, please try to be happy. It feels good to talk to others about it, so if you’re struggling, it may help. “I know it hurts sometimes but you’ll get over it you’ll find another life to live i know you’ll get over it…so when you’re caught in a landslide, i’ll be there for you”. Another Oh Wonder song.

Have wonderful lives, everyone.

-Victoria.

*a crackling record player is on a table where you’re standing. You can dimly hear the words:

“Cause I need something more than everything
A higher self deep within
Cause I need something more than everything
A higher self, a higher self
And I know we need a little heart hope
I know we’ve gotta outgrow and feel a little heart hope”*

63 thoughts on “borderline

  1. I’m not really feeling any emotions at the moment either, it’s like my brain got bored with life and said “screw emotions, it’s not like they do us any good.” And I had a momentary lapse to the peer pressure. If you understood any of that, reply.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have not seen your song, but i’d like to find it! When I wrote my song “Broken One”, I wrote that generally about the feeling of being broken. I normally start songs restlessly, then change them later. I’ll write one super fast that’s really good, and it’ll feel like a weight lifted.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And yes. I play piano (going on 5 years in April). I also play the ukulele (pretty well considering I just started 2 months ago), and I can play super basic guitar.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s okay, I copy and pasted it.

        You gotta, blend in and blend out,

        Raise your voice above the crowd.

        You gotta, be quiet and loud,

        And do it all at the same time,

        This stuff is messing with, my mind, my mind, o-o-oh

        I’m never gonna be what all these people tell me I should be

        But I don’t care because all I need is to believe in me

        And  I’m not gonna see what they want me to see,

        What I see is what I see, and that’s up to me

        All I think, 24/7 is “who am I?”

        But I can find it out, if I give it a try

        Oh, you gotta, blend in and blend out,

        You gotta scream and shout,

        But you gotta do it in the right crowd.

        At first it was easy, but now I’m not so sure

        It’s the same thing that it was, but now it’s harder than before

        It’s like a crazy game of tag where I’m never It,

         but I’m always gettin’ chased, and I just can’t take this shit.

        But this is who I’ll always be, this is who I am

        I’m not changing for anyone, even if I can.
        Sorry it was so long.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Really good post Victoria. I find that when it feels like the world is closing in on you and everything is wrong you take it step by step. Deep breaths for a full minute (no cheating). Then think about one thing you can do to improve your situation. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it helps for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. you know what I think about this. I (and so many other people) love you to the moon, around the stars and back. You have my number, my hangouts and you can text me anytime of day. The walls aren’t closing in, though they may feel like it. You have so much more world to see, more people to meet, more things to do. Smile, you’re meant for great things.

    Liked by 3 people

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